Like a Fox

What do you think the average Friday night is like for the operator of this motor vehicle? If you guessed "turning tricks" you would be sorely mistaken, unless you meant teaching and rewarding tricks. Yes, we can only assume that weekends are packed with walks (not long walks on the beach), trips to the grooming salon and snoozing with dog hats and scarves (literally) for this lady.

One can only imagine who she is referring to when she talks about the men in her life.

Suffice it to say that, when she pasted this sticker on the back of her car where she admits insanity to complete strangers, there is a measurable amount of finality in this lady's prospects.

Funky Smelling

Sometimes you say things without thinking. A phrase just comes flying out and, once it's there, you can't unring that bell. We find the awkwardness that follows such flabbergastion as altogether... enchanting.

When you consider the multitude and magnitude of misfired social media posts, you must gasp in order to keep your breath. In short, the enchantment just lasts longer.

As is the case with all tailgate graffiti, the embarrassing truth is that professing love for a rotten-sounding (and undoubtedly, smelling) vagabond is as ignominious as it is premeditated. That the paws are plentiful is all the more delicious.

Accomplished

We are of the opinion that the paw prints with customized text has spiraled out of control. Alas, this sighting is hardly exhibit A; it really is more like exhibit W.

We are fans of snarky discourse and readily partake in all manner of witty banter, derogatory or not. However, as has been widely reported with the recent scandal involving Mitt Romney's family (or more specifically, his black grandchild), Melissa Harris-Perry has proven that children are off limits.

So we are forced to put his commuter on notice: think referring to your pet indemnifies you from such responsibility? Think again, dog lover. Owning a canine does not give you free reign to comment on parenting.

Illustrious

Were you also completely unaware that Westies have reached such a level of prominence? Somone call Cindi Lauper: we smell a new hit here. Girls may have fun but these diminutive and overly needy canines simply have more of it.

And, if that weren't revelation enough, this mere animal's fame rivals both peace AND love. Maybe it's just us, but perhaps John Lennon overlooked such a beast during his introspective quest to reach nirvana?

Alas, we must take issue with this commuter's most deeply held beliefs, or at least those being assumed in their drug-induced, semi-conscious state. Westies are not having fun or changing the world, they are simply shedding all over it.

Beware of Dog

We aren't used to seeing paw prints so threateningly imprinted. Sure, we are entertained by the animal love ones like this and that. Rather than play on your heart strings, this driver takes the shotgun approach.

And why not? Many people leave their canines in the car in parking lots... in desert heat, right? At least they did you the favor of letting you know that this dog has bite to go with its tormented bark.

You see these signs all over inner city streets and rural trailer parks, so why is it very different if this dwelling on wheels actually moves? And so we applaud this genius for having the foresight to take no trespassing signs to the next level.

Smashed Face

Question: What's worse than people who think pugs are cute?
Answer: Lovers of such mongrels that advertise their black belt on the back of their car.

When taking karate was somewhat cool, Ralph Macchio was a skinny under-twenty-year-old and children dreamed about taking on evil older kids, the Karate Kid burst into the imaginations of little boys across the US. Shockingly, even then you couldn't find bumper braggery about it. Since that was the 1980s, let's assume that some things have changed but not necessarily for the better.

We are thus forced to put this eternal adolescent on notice: pugs have to be one of the visually ugliest animals on four legs. Worse, 50 year old Ralph Macchio called and wants his black belt back. Now.

Pedigree

Faithful readers of Tailgate Confessions will remember a previous post sporting this very same bumper bafoonery. Can... you... dig it?!! We always did love The Warriors.

When senior citizens aren't scoring the 4 PM early bird special at roadside diners and TGI Fridays or driving an intolerable 55 miles/hour on interstate highways, must they purchase disturbing expressions of intergenerational loneliness?

We are left with little option beyond putting anyone north of 65 years of age on notice: please save your money for the corner unit in Boca Raton or, if you are intent on setting fire to your pension, send it via cashiers check to us. Either way, stop blowing it on embarrassing bumper stickers.

Bow Wow

This one goes out to the influential Snoop Dog. Or is it "Dawg?" We aren't sure. Not only are we not "gangster" in the least (and completely ignorant), we really don't care either. Yet he is influential enough that we recognize his braided locks. Wonder if he donates to Locks of Love? Don't.

Peace. We bid thee peace. Got to get the piece an' cap a brutha? Lil Bow Wow won't "dog" you. Though "lil" isn't little anymore, rappers still have trouble not shooting each other at industry events.

Have you decided against sporting stickers of your canine on your otherwise not-pimped-out ride? Snoop Dawg and Big Bow Wow would be offended to the point of laying down an angry track about it, featuring Rappa' H8R. They might even hire dancers. So, make ready the silhouette of your dog and crank your seat all the way back.

Grand?

There must be very few people who don't like their pets. If people are maintaining their domesticated animals, there are positive feelings toward them on some level.

Then there are other people who buy puppy love with animal cosmetic surgical procedures and pet spa treatments. We imagine that Fido enjoys organic treats fit for a king with Evian poured into a crystal water dish.

Finally there are those people who make their pet a full-fledged member of the family -- literally. These folks create trusts for their animal and fight viciously over them in custody proceedings during divorces. But this driver surpasses them all by claiming blood relation, which we don't hesitate to categorize as, well, illegal.

Bovinity

We harbor little doubt that this commuter is merely an Indian paying homage to Kamadhenu, the goddess of all cows (yes, many have vied for that title). Or maybe they're a rancher taking a drive rather than another day riding the range. We admit, however, that it is conceivable that this driver has a constant hankering for a juicy steak. 

It gives off a slight yin and yang vibe right? We are comfortable with good and evil bulls, though we don't anticipate that forcing bulls to coexist is a good move. But how else would you get Holstein cattle without such coexistence?

Perhaps we are wrong and this is actually a stick family? If so, which parent is the white charger and which is the dark horse?

Human(e) Rescue

What kind of an animal would this pet have to be in order to save its owner and earn such praise? Is a rabbit capable of this rescue? Was a gerbil responsible for the #RichardGere urban legend?

Why wouldn't this post be a series of questions? Have we really left each other this emotionally bereft? Does this sentiment seem like the new normal? Aren't animals our equivalents?

Do we have similar feelings for our family and friends or is it only pets? Do we segregate ourselves or is it everyone else who is to blame for alienating us?

We often draw significance from feelings and emotions but we must be careful lest such meaning lack reason.

Shout out to DP of PA. Thanks for the pic!

Dog Supporter, Spouse Opponent

Remember the escapades of #BillClinton? We were awed that it wasn't really a question of if he would slide into infidelity but when and, somehow, the claims that our most public figure's behavior was no one's business but his. Common sense didn't seem so common.

We have had the distinct displeasure to become acquainted with a few people cut from this cloth. You know the type: they are militantly "progressive" on animal rights and similarly militant to their closest human companions.

However we must at least give this car owner credit for being open enough about their outlandish opinions. The ones you really need to worry about are the people who smack you across the face with deeply unhealthy psychoses with no warning.

Pea Pods

Isn't this cozy? Who needs stick characters when a couple owls will do? Throw in a branch and you have a simple and wise couple. And life really is that quaint.

Many people believe that everyone has a #soulmate. You know: someone who always supports you and protects you. Someone who listens and never interrupts. Someone that gives more than they take. Someone [insert further cheesey blather here].

We tend to agree with Robert Zimmerman, the godfather of 20th century poetry. Yes, like #BobDylan suggests, it isn't "me you're looking for". In fact, if you are looking for such a soul mate, we suggest that (particularly on the lack of interruption) you may be looking for a canine friend. However, for a human to provide such relationship we may all need to lower our expectations... just a little.

Feline-Human Experimentation

Sun glare isn't just a danger while operating your vehicle. Nope, overexposure can even ruin our efforts to catalog inane bumper decor. Curse the shining orb in all its radiant splendor!

Believe it or not, this septua- or octogenarian driver boasts a feline blood relative. Perhaps Dr. Moreau wasn't simply a character dreamed up by #HGWells?

We can neither confirm nor deny the validity of such boasting or whether the hybrid beast instinctively licks itself and sports a ringed tail. So in the spirit of base mockery, we accept such tomfoolery at face value.

Always refuted as literary fiction, this commuter proves that human-animal genetic mixing has been successful, on one level or another.

Boxer of Another Kind

Heard the one about a boxer who lives for the discipline of training, lacing up the gloves and dancing to the ring but is just not able to take a punch? #SlyStallone would say that such a person is only deluding themselves. (Actually, he'd mumble something unintelligible but it would mean something along those lines.)

And then there is another custom pet sticker to shout from the mountain (or the back of your car) who your favorite family member is. Though we have tried to force some type of genuine appreciation for such displays, our best effort falls precariously short.

We harbor no reservation that this commuter diligently dresses their dog in any manner of outfits (not just for trick-or-treating) and creates photo collages and video montages of their very best friend. Face it people: even though yours is a living creature, this behavior is still as creepy as the 45 year-old who clutches a doll.

Canine-Human Mix

What remains unclear is whether the dog should bark less or whether such demand is required of the lady behind the wheel. We will not, under any circumstances, accept the directive that we should bark less: barking is our privilege, nay our right in God's country, lady. Don't agree? Get in line and file a frivolous lawsuit like a good 'Merican.

That the butterfly and the dog should wag more is, however, definitive. And, while it might seem safe to assume such wagging would occur without suggestion, we join this car owner in demanding that all butterflies and dogs make it a point to wag, just a little more.

What's with all the butterflies on vehicles? We can't be sure but we guess, what with all the wagging, that they must offer an aerodynamic advantage.

Flutterby in the Sky

We hesitate to suggest that anyone is more or less patriotic than someone else. Passing such judgement seems like an unnecessary race to extremism, which can only lead to practical #McCarthyism. Don't believe us? Ask someone how patriotic they are: even if they can prove undying loyalty, the process of proving it feels an awful lot like those hearings of yore.

While #LevarBurton might love this symbol of brute 'Merican strength, we find it wanting a certain amount of heft or muscle. Even though he danced like a butterfly, the great #MuhammedAli realized he needed to sting like a bee.

Lest our proud nation risk being pulverized on the windshield of people with competing ideas, we suggest a more wise, strong, powerful animal. In short, almost any other creature will do.

Date Correction

Ever hit "send" on an email to only realize that something wasn't exactly right the very next second? Ask #AlecBaldwin what it's like to regret only a moment after having said something (or after hanging up following a minutes-long tirade on your daughter's voicemail). Occasionally, what seems prudent one moment is utterly preposterous, arrogant and even deeply disturbing only seconds later.

Well, for this driver, a moment of regret is likely to be extended to the life of their car. Clearly, campaigns would stop selling stickers if nobody purchased them. And so we question the wisdom of pasting anything to the vehicle you've spent decent money on, much less a sticker that has a promising likelihood of being refutable, like many candidate's embarrassments of failed one-upsmanship.

While you had better look elsewhere for love if you're #Obama in this car, multiple felines are welcome, even shelter animals.

Shout out to SB of NJ. Thanks for the pic!

Moose Xsing

Yes, the majestic and indisputably clever moose. Clever? Yes, just ask #Bullwinkle. Our sudden run-in with a moose consisted of pure fright, on both parts. The 10 yards separating us wasn't enough for the big bull who darted parallel to the street for 50 yards, followed by the thunderous noise of the animal plowing through branches and trees. Dumbfounded, we had hardly moved and were quite startled by the lack of hoof beats on the pavement prior to the crashing through the woods.

Certainly, unlike some vermin, we can almost understand how the noble moose would be a likely candidate for tailgate immortality.

What we can't understand, however, is how this commuter could confuse a moose and an aardvark (note ADK). We haven't done quite 36 hours worth of research but we're fairly comfortable that these two animals would be extremely difficult to confuse.

Rodentia

We try to imagine a less worthy creature from the entire kingdom animalia. If you're into this sort of thing, you may be able to justify bumper art of an eagle or king of beasts. Heck, even a llama might be entertaining.

But a park garbage monkey? This could only happen in #Oregon. While we don't support the shooting, water torture, eating or resettlement of squirrels, we don't oppose such practices either. Let's face it: if you and your LBI kin are enjoying this rodent with a nice plum sauce, there are larger issues to deal with.

Though we can't make it out, perhaps the very same rodent has made the accompanying coat of arms? Unless this driver has a pet squirrel that they've trained to water ski, we request that they remove the decal.