Out of Bounds

You'll have to assume that we are hardly the politically correct police. The phrase "race relations" is only ever used by vapid talking heads filling unspeakably low viewership air time. In fact, we tend to believe that stereotypes are labeled as such for very good reason: with occasional exceptions, they hold true.

That said, Martin Luther King, Jr. is indisputably a hero and this stick family ventures a distance beyond culturally acceptable. We aren't sure what the other bumper garbage signifies (perhaps a weightlifting family?) but the Ku Klux Klan member on the left must put this commuter in danger of random acts of violence.

We also assume that sporting it on the back of the minivan renders the wearing of masks by the Klan relatively irrelevant.

Elderly Fam

Of course we're not passing judgment on such people that put embarrassing statements on their vehicle. Where would this blog be but for inflated egos and naked vanity? Some people just don't age as gracefully or maintain their appearance as well as their peers. For every Tom Selleck there is bound to be at least 15 Al Pacinos.

Don't think so? Simply reverse the genders then. How many Meg Ryans do you think there are for every Jane Seymour? And just remember: plastic surgeons aren't on trial here.

Perhaps these people are just more comfortable in their own skin. After all, eyeglasses chains, hair sticks in the bun and Charlie Brown's sweater with a bowtie are really pushing the 65 and "lovin' it" envelope.

Scubadriver

Like all graffiti posted on the back of vehicles these days, we question whether this swimmer has really thought it through. So you might enjoy scuba, you might even be certified. So what? We might be a budding apiarist but does that mean we expect the world to care? Only if you buy our sweet, sweet honey.

Of course, you really should be ready for a seamless transition from driving on a road to scuba diving through your window if you're James Bond or Jason Borne. Then again, if you advertise such skill on the back of your ride, the observant villains will likely try to take you another way.

We can offer no decent reason for such a display, apart from open bumper braggery. And so to this commuter we simply say: pin a rose!

Darth Reproductis

Looks like Anakin Skywalker's plan worked out after all. Following massive blood-letting, not to mention more intolerable wooing of Padme, it appears he gave rise to a whole gaggle of robotic sithlings. Was he cunningly evil or just darkly virile?

Like this commuter, perhaps he just wanted to fill his minivan so that he could slap some tailgate graffiti on the back. If that was the game, "well played sir, very well played."

Imagine having this many brooding, lightsaber toting siths under one roof? We are willing to bet that they go through babysitters like tissues, what with all of the force choking and related telekenetic tomfoolery.

Hang Five

This commuter is so rad. It isn't difficult to picture them screaming down the face of a monstrous wave while overusing the word "dude." Like Keanu Reeves in Point Break, let's just assume this enthusiast isn't hanging ten. That's what sup.

It could be our lack of understanding but we don't typically see paddle boarders surfing. In fact, we suspect that people who take up this sport are those unable to surf. Not saying it doesn't look entertaining, we are simply suggesting that the two sports are different.

So is this driver at one with the waves and the tossing ocean? Perhaps they are, maybe they aren't. But posting bumper art is not very convincing.

More Than Meets the Eye

This one, with the bows, hails from the dark side of the moon. What are parents trying to say with this kind of tailgate tomfoolery? Friends: don't let friends sticker their cars or drive drunk. Both are humiliating reflections on character.

Remember how flippin awesome the Transformers cartoons were?! There were only a couple other cartoons that could get kids out of bed so early and consistently on a Saturday morning.

Unfortunately the movies are far less than meets the eye. Granted, we only made it through one movie in the series. However, the scripts rival the Rambo and Terminator franchises on both depth and subject matter and the computer generation was... dizzying.

Menagerie

Have you ever enjoyed such an amazing day at the zoo that you could barely force yourself to leave? We haven't either. Crowds of stinking tourists and beasts melting together under the oppressive sun lead directly to brawls over the last twenty-dollar ice cream cone. Jaded, we know.

Why not allow your pre-kindergarten ankle-biters to decorate your vehicle with a zoo theme? Frogs, birds and turtles were never more relevant to America's parkways and highways. Disney is real life in the US, right?

But for the occasional crusty schmear on the side of the roads, nature has proven definitively opposed to the mixing of animals and 65 mile-per-hour momentum.

Tortugas

We just could not let this one go. Might there be some other type of stick family that so blatantly justifies being overweight? We simply can't imagine it.

With about one-third of Americans qualified as obese, we believe it's proven that there is a problem in the US. In fact, the AMA recently classified obesity as a disease. Is that just eating too much and exercising too little or can you supersize those french fries with a lack of responsibility?

While the flowers on the turtles lend a beachy feel, we can only recall large Québécois men beached in the sand in overly small Speedos. So small at times that you might question whether they mistook the spit of sand for a nude beach.

Bums

In Costa Rica, at least in 1998, you could tent out the back of beaches at night. Then again, with all of the "nature sounds" that you hear in that part of world at night, we never got up the gumption. We don't believe that such camping was encouraged but it definitely wasn't illegal and certainly was free.

Ever wonder why you barely see these themed stickers representing one parent or a single person? Might we all be able to assume that, since you're driving a colossal, gas-guzzling behemoth, there is pretty likely children inside?

This family likes going to the beach. The originality of that concept is altogether startling. After all, don't most people prefer to hide indoors in urban settings during the summer?

Marvelous Fam

We have seen how over-scheduled and exhaustingly busy people choose to structure their lives. You don't have to look far to see parents doing the same with their kids. In all, it just looks like a lot of tail-chasing from where we sit. 

But does that make them heroic on a super level? While we would say "no," we want to leave room for those who dissent, like this family for example. We harbor little doubt that even their cat is capable of Herculean exploits.

Would Wonder Woman ever go for Wolverine? If so, wouldn't their offspring have to be wonder wolverines? Irregardless, we anticipate great feats of strength from this family.

Skywalker Ranch

By now our affinity for most things George Lucas is known; we've covered it on a couple occasions. We marvel at Disney's desire to make the sequels to the legendary trilogy. Then again, perhaps it is fitting: movies don't have to be at all entertaining, they simply need to gross big money and offer incessant merchandising.

What do the parental figures say about this couple? Leia barely ever packed a blaster but it was hot when she did. If you are Vader, does that mean you are tyrannical or just overly violent?

While their nonsensical arguing may liken them to the two droids, would you really represent your kids as R2D2 and C3PO out of the entire universe of Star Wars characters? To be honest, we know a few children who are way more like Senator Palpatine, Chewbacca, Wicket and Jar Jar Binks than anyone else. 

Gently Down the Stream

We are entertained by those things to which people retreat in order to demonstrate how hugely different they are. Humans long to be appreciated and understood, yet there is a matter of pride in shouting "You don't know me!"

Even though we are the most diverse country as 'Mericans, how different are we? Really? Whether it's hunting, swimming, fishing, running, dating or divorcing, some people really are trying to be different. We ask why not reading or sleeping?

Is rowing what defines who you are? If so, are you an Olympian class kayaker? You'd better be if you are driving around with this on the back. 

How Many Pirates

No matter what you think of the explosion of tailgate graffiti you must admit that the variety of stick families is staggering. There are ghoulish, awkward, Star Wars, athletic, hobby, yoga, among many others. While we find them preposterous, we are occasionally entertained by what the figures unintentionally communicate.

This cadre of buccaneers is just another example of bumper braggery gone awry: after all does the owner of this vehicle really mean to imply that their family is a pillaging band of thieves?

Further, the sheer size of this family indicates that the mum cross-bones has been as belabored as the interminability of Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Such numbers would do the Icelandic political party proud.

Heavenly Kitty

While we're certain the feline does not entertain 72 virgins, we further beg to differ with the idea that your cat has gone to heaven. Though we also hate to put it so directly, more than likely it simply is buried in the backyard.

People have difficulty with the passing of their pet and it isn't without good reason. We simply request that you don't trumpet this sad truth to the world on the back of your car.

Is it even worth asking about the awkward sideways smile? We are forced to put this commuter on notice: people who have suffered a stroke need not endure such shenanigans. We know that you are in a place of pain but what reason could you have for lashing out at innocent bystanders?

Pea Pods

Isn't this cozy? Who needs stick characters when a couple owls will do? Throw in a branch and you have a simple and wise couple. And life really is that quaint.

Many people believe that everyone has a #soulmate. You know: someone who always supports you and protects you. Someone who listens and never interrupts. Someone that gives more than they take. Someone [insert further cheesey blather here].

We tend to agree with Robert Zimmerman, the godfather of 20th century poetry. Yes, like #BobDylan suggests, it isn't "me you're looking for". In fact, if you are looking for such a soul mate, we suggest that (particularly on the lack of interruption) you may be looking for a canine friend. However, for a human to provide such relationship we may all need to lower our expectations... just a little.

Some Just Don't Got It

#AmericanIdol was the first US program to feature those aspiring musicians who have no sense of pitch, musicianship and, frankly, hearing. And it was entertaining, at least for the first part of the first season.

We prefer those musicians that "have it," the entertainers that can let loose with that certain je ne sais quoi. This is the true sixth sense: "it" cannot be taught and can only be contained and controlled by the vessel to which it has been entrusted.

We are unable to make the call as to whether this driver has it. After all, we only sat behind this vehicle in traffic. It would be a crying shame, however, if this stick family is only passing along their talent to the depicted birds, which are simply longer-lasting pre-teenagers. Want beings which never completely develop their own personality but will constantly argue? Buy a couple birds and don't forget the corresponding bumper art.

Date Correction

Ever hit "send" on an email to only realize that something wasn't exactly right the very next second? Ask #AlecBaldwin what it's like to regret only a moment after having said something (or after hanging up following a minutes-long tirade on your daughter's voicemail). Occasionally, what seems prudent one moment is utterly preposterous, arrogant and even deeply disturbing only seconds later.

Well, for this driver, a moment of regret is likely to be extended to the life of their car. Clearly, campaigns would stop selling stickers if nobody purchased them. And so we question the wisdom of pasting anything to the vehicle you've spent decent money on, much less a sticker that has a promising likelihood of being refutable, like many candidate's embarrassments of failed one-upsmanship.

While you had better look elsewhere for love if you're #Obama in this car, multiple felines are welcome, even shelter animals.

Shout out to SB of NJ. Thanks for the pic!

A Telling Disguise

It would be a crying shame to assume this vehicle is operated by a childless human. Would it? Would... it? We doubt that the cast from #StarWars could forgive you.

We have difficulty appreciating the need for two families on this child taxi. You didn't notice that this SUV houses a nuclear family by sitting in traffic behind it? Good thing this parent ensured the family was stickered along the side for when you pass them.

Might it alternatively be that the children were too disturbed by their representation as young Luke and Leia? After all, Luke is brandishing a #lightsaber more akin to the character in Return of the Jedi than A New Hope. We suppose that it must be a result of choosing battles that the driver hasn't signified the boy as Darth Maul.

Which brings us to the mother represented as Chewbacca. Don't get us wrong: we love a good wookie just as much as the next person. But who lost that battle?

Inflexible Too

We're pretty sure that our lack of interest in ancient Indian exercises has nothing to do with our distaste for torture. For starters, it seems obvious to us that you don't generally get to choose whether you get tortured or not; though movies often depict a choice in the type of torture to be enacted.

With yoga, however, people voluntarily travel to, purchase supplies for and participate in the act with great pomp and much circumstance. For some yoguers (or is it yogees?), we'd almost prefer that they never miss a class because hearing about not attending is an invariably longer rant than the nirvana achieved by making class.

Once you own a mat, can't one simply tear their muscles and sever tendons at home?

Platitude

We applaud this car owner's courage and poise in so publicly declaring her individuality and indefinite (and likely enduring) single status.

What ho! Yup, we are impossibly sincere. That in the face of all assumptions about single women sheltering lots of cats.

Of course we can't help ourselves from speculating what her platitude concerning felines signifies. Does she have a figuratively catty nature? (Is there a positive connotation to that word that we're missing?) Conversely, does she literally mean that she is sassy, jumpy, distrusting or unfriendly?

Either way, steer clear of this one, gents! Chances are slim that she has much in common with Halle Berry or Michelle Pfeiffer.