Their Lives are a Horror Flick

We are unable to feign even the slightest interest in Brad Pitt's zombie movie. For that matter, we have missed the entire zombie flavor of the month; well, perhaps ignored is more appropriate than missed. Of course, we likely aren't the target demographic either; intellectual, over 20 and educated.

Though we would never suggest it to groupies, we are convinced that the whole act is merely the product of American Boredom, similar in odor to the New (or Old, as the case may be) Kids on the Block. After all, when was the last time, in a moment of meaningful self-reflection, that you thought to yourself "I need more drama in my life"? Warning: if you answered "never," you just might not be an adolescent anymore.

Pedigree

Faithful readers of Tailgate Confessions will remember a previous post sporting this very same bumper bafoonery. Can... you... dig it?!! We always did love The Warriors.

When senior citizens aren't scoring the 4 PM early bird special at roadside diners and TGI Fridays or driving an intolerable 55 miles/hour on interstate highways, must they purchase disturbing expressions of intergenerational loneliness?

We are left with little option beyond putting anyone north of 65 years of age on notice: please save your money for the corner unit in Boca Raton or, if you are intent on setting fire to your pension, send it via cashiers check to us. Either way, stop blowing it on embarrassing bumper stickers.

Red with Black Dots

My, how vanity plates have become utterly pointless. Back in the 80s it seemed cheeky and even cool. But these days personalized plates have fallen into just another category of bumper shenanigans.

When you pay extra money for your license plate, why not have something more interesting like "GR8T" or "CHWBCA"? We don't mean to take this driver to the woodshed any more than another but the best you could come up with was an insect? As Gob Bluth would say, COME ON!

Who can forget the well-placed vanity plate "OUTATIME" in Back to the Future? There you have it: we're not opposed to all bumper decor, only thoughtless tailgate crap.

Grass Roots

One need not look deeply to find a vast array of conspiracies, from the utterly exhausting to deeply gripping. The Monsanto stories are so not sensational that we hesitate to call it a conspiracy. If we were totally cynical, we might even say that the theorists are more mainstream.

So mainstream, in fact, that we wonder why this driver was unable to locate tailgate graffiti to support the Cause. Then again, this custom job still gives off the vibe of being a "grass" roots effort (yup, that kind).

From the little we know, the Cause is anything but grass roots; though it does appear to be ineffective. Shouldn't successful business strategies be held accountable?

How So?

Isn't the love of things entertaining? Back in the 70s and 80s, the people who drove Bimmers were really the economically elite. Sort of like those extremely enormous cell phones that came with their own luggage cases. But, like cell phones, it seems like you can't go anywhere on either coast of the US without seeing any number of BMWs.

Apparently these drivers also are more inclined toward road rage than any other types of cars on the road, and not just in the US. Wouldn't they like to blame it on the car?

All that is to say, we emphatically disagree with this commuter who is, again, undoubtedly trying to rank in the 1 percent. Nobody is really that impressed.

Whoops

Remember when graffiti plagued urban areas of all sizes? It was a blight inflicted by the very people who lived there. What a nice way let down your friends, family and neighbors. Little surprise that gangs and criminals always seemed to be behind the vandalism.

Fast forward a few years and people are actually paying money to apply graffiti to their cars. And then you have drivers like this one who started the job but seemed to pause on the V, as if they made a spelling error and got stuck trying to fix it with no solution.

To these types we say there is an alternative: you could decide (like millions of vehicle owners) not to adulterate the back of your ride. When did that cease to be a viable option?

Dangerous Lighthouse

Lighthouses used to be life-saving structures that guided all types of sea faring persons to safe shores. Somehow they have also become romaticized tourist destinations, attracting thousands of sight-seers, amateur photographers and artists in beachside towns.

As usual, we just can't help ourselves when discovering mobile mausoleums. We literally gape at these vehicles, though such sightings have yet to cause an accident.

And so, with measurable immaturity and likely zero empathy, you have to wonder why Mom would venture a visit to the lighthouse where Sally Ann met her ultimate end. Did they live at the lighthouse or jump from the top in a final act of escape? We don't know but we hesitate to suggest that you visit next time you are in town.

Hang Five

This commuter is so rad. It isn't difficult to picture them screaming down the face of a monstrous wave while overusing the word "dude." Like Keanu Reeves in Point Break, let's just assume this enthusiast isn't hanging ten. That's what sup.

It could be our lack of understanding but we don't typically see paddle boarders surfing. In fact, we suspect that people who take up this sport are those unable to surf. Not saying it doesn't look entertaining, we are simply suggesting that the two sports are different.

So is this driver at one with the waves and the tossing ocean? Perhaps they are, maybe they aren't. But posting bumper art is not very convincing.

More Than Meets the Eye

This one, with the bows, hails from the dark side of the moon. What are parents trying to say with this kind of tailgate tomfoolery? Friends: don't let friends sticker their cars or drive drunk. Both are humiliating reflections on character.

Remember how flippin awesome the Transformers cartoons were?! There were only a couple other cartoons that could get kids out of bed so early and consistently on a Saturday morning.

Unfortunately the movies are far less than meets the eye. Granted, we only made it through one movie in the series. However, the scripts rival the Rambo and Terminator franchises on both depth and subject matter and the computer generation was... dizzying.

Rat-a-Tat-Tat

Weren't concerned with the onslaught on the economically crucial tattoo industry? Consider yourself aware. Isn't it rewarding to be so well informed?

Some parents force their eager children to wait until they are 18 before spewing colored ink into their skin. Worse, adults over the age of 30 generally refuse to inject the stuff for recreational purposes relegating usage to medical reasons only.

If that weren't dire enough, people over 40 have discovered that snaking dragons and tramp stamps end up sagging in embarrassing, colorful drips of skin. They have even had their paint removed, always paying much more than the cost of getting inked in the first place. There is no "tattoo" in "team" but there is "meat."

Anatomy & Physiology

We were unaware of the epidemic ravaging the New York Jets. Even some insurance companies think this isn't quite possible. Sure, they struggle most seasons to reach .500 but, for Jets fans, that isn't really a new illness. (When Sunday games become too one-sided fans can always agree that it won't ever get as bad as Anthony Weiner, their most famous mayoral candidate ever.)

In all of our complaints about magnet ribbons, we have never touched the legendary pink ribbons. But somehow, this display seems at least a little self-congratulatory on the part of Gang Green.

After all, every NFL team spreads such awareness during the month of October. Could it be that the Jets get extra points for letting Sanchez suit up?

Menagerie

Have you ever enjoyed such an amazing day at the zoo that you could barely force yourself to leave? We haven't either. Crowds of stinking tourists and beasts melting together under the oppressive sun lead directly to brawls over the last twenty-dollar ice cream cone. Jaded, we know.

Why not allow your pre-kindergarten ankle-biters to decorate your vehicle with a zoo theme? Frogs, birds and turtles were never more relevant to America's parkways and highways. Disney is real life in the US, right?

But for the occasional crusty schmear on the side of the roads, nature has proven definitively opposed to the mixing of animals and 65 mile-per-hour momentum.

About What?

Since we don't pay attention to the talking heads, we can only assume that this commuter is beating the thrice dead horse that the US is in dire straits. You'd think that, after a couple of "best shots" coming up decidedly too short, Ron might consider discontinuing his bumper stickers.

The mantra of economic collapse reminds us of the sounding gong of Donald Rumsfeld days of terrorist danger. Seems like projecting the "we don't know when or where, but something bad is going to happen" vibe only engages the paranoid schizophrenics and conspiracy theorists. Then again, what doesn't?

We sense that continuous the financial-sky-is-falling declarations instead only spur Americans of every shade toward a run on the bank and not fiscal conservatism.

Fascinations

If you couldn't tell from the sizeable dent in the side of this truck, this driver is into junk. No not "junk in the trunk," he likes overly adulterated you-might-say-it's-worthless garbage; put more delicately as scrap.

We find such declarations unnecessary. After all, people form their first impressions in seven seconds. Since few people have abbreviated, seven-second conversations with complete strangers, we chalk those impressions up to pure observation. Once our first impression is made, you can forget about changing our mind.

Aren't there places where you can go and root through heaps of trash? And unlike the Dollar Store, you don't even have to pay for it. Seems to us that, by definition, it simply is worthless if the owner can't even be bothered to attach a price.

Tortugas

We just could not let this one go. Might there be some other type of stick family that so blatantly justifies being overweight? We simply can't imagine it.

With about one-third of Americans qualified as obese, we believe it's proven that there is a problem in the US. In fact, the AMA recently classified obesity as a disease. Is that just eating too much and exercising too little or can you supersize those french fries with a lack of responsibility?

While the flowers on the turtles lend a beachy feel, we can only recall large Québécois men beached in the sand in overly small Speedos. So small at times that you might question whether they mistook the spit of sand for a nude beach.

Man Issues

For those of us who have ever run track, and perhaps those who have played select other sports, there really is nothing quite like boys who run like girls. Nothing so immediately steals masculinity like effeminate runners.

That is, nothing except women wrestlers. Gents, would you like to get a gander at a lady who undoubtedly sports more testosterone than you? Yeah, we didn't think so. In fact, we feel confident guessing that nobody really wants that image burned into their mind's eye.

We honestly don't have a problem with ladies who are better than us at things whether physical or intellectual. We simply find gloating of physical prowess by women to leave a pungent bile flavor in our mouth.

Piece Cymbal

Now here is bumper decor to which we can subscribe. Enough with the salute to animals of all kinds, political rants, family ties and dead people. We demand something smart and entertaining, something beyond tailgate braggery.

This one gets right into John Lennon's face and blurts, "who doesn't want peace?" After all, while John was busy imagining it someone else had to stumble over all his half-baked followers attempting to make it happen. Sure, it would have been easier to write a song.

Peace on a global scale is a right and noble goal. Let's face it though: if you're not actively helping, you just might be in the way.

Bow Wow

This one goes out to the influential Snoop Dog. Or is it "Dawg?" We aren't sure. Not only are we not "gangster" in the least (and completely ignorant), we really don't care either. Yet he is influential enough that we recognize his braided locks. Wonder if he donates to Locks of Love? Don't.

Peace. We bid thee peace. Got to get the piece an' cap a brutha? Lil Bow Wow won't "dog" you. Though "lil" isn't little anymore, rappers still have trouble not shooting each other at industry events.

Have you decided against sporting stickers of your canine on your otherwise not-pimped-out ride? Snoop Dawg and Big Bow Wow would be offended to the point of laying down an angry track about it, featuring Rappa' H8R. They might even hire dancers. So, make ready the silhouette of your dog and crank your seat all the way back.