N Roll

Who needs Eat, Pray, Love when you barely have to search to find rock-n-cheer on the back of a car? Just the sight of this ride made me feel like I was at a punked out concert with rad tunes backed by hip-hop dancers in ill-fitting garb.

Okay, a little exaggeration never killed anyone. We are, however, certain that movies like Drumline (we are happy to admit we don't know just how many exist) have, in fact, killed people. Whether it's punch-drunk boredom induced by either a complete lack of plot or one-liners worthy of Arnold Schwarzenegger, these flicks have taken years off the lives of people like this driver. We're just waiting for the study.

Like a Fox

What do you think the average Friday night is like for the operator of this motor vehicle? If you guessed "turning tricks" you would be sorely mistaken, unless you meant teaching and rewarding tricks. Yes, we can only assume that weekends are packed with walks (not long walks on the beach), trips to the grooming salon and snoozing with dog hats and scarves (literally) for this lady.

One can only imagine who she is referring to when she talks about the men in her life.

Suffice it to say that, when she pasted this sticker on the back of her car where she admits insanity to complete strangers, there is a measurable amount of finality in this lady's prospects.

Snow Blindness

Across the US, these winter months have been extreme. And whenever extreme circumstances take over, we enjoy observing "true color" reactions. Whether people desperately need drama or simply can't fathom the most minute change, weather has brought about the most deliciously entertaining behaviors.

Is this commuter's expression desperate enough? Can you imagine what their addled thought process was before pulling out onto a major road?

It isn't even as if this is the day after some sweeping storm: just get a gander at the road conditions. No, this driver will never be affected by anything behind them. If they can't see you, you can't see them, right?

Gone, Not Forgotten

The question isn't so much why Michael Jackson is on the back of this ride but, rather, why we don't see him on the back of vehicles more often, right? He is responsible for indisputably iconic tunes, if not formerly living proof to an entire generation that ethnicity and sexuality could be quite confusing.

We're not suggesting that you print, cut out and tape up random pictures of the King of Pop, as this driver has seen fit to do. After all, isn't this the kind of garbage that is on sale somewhere?

Surely there must be some better way to memorialize his accomplishments. We do, however, prefer weird photos over cars shuddering under the weight of deafening music.

Spreading Distortion

Ever have a moment of pure self awareness when the horizon clears, the synapses fire and something just seems indisputably right? This tailgate graffiti is an excellent example that not everyone enjoys even passing moments of such lucidity.

To be fair, we could Google EA and TEF and perhaps it might clear up this little misunderstanding. However, much like QR codes on commercial vehicles, do you really want to communicate with those people who have so little time on their hands that they choose to make the time to find out?

If the point of awareness ribbons is self-evident, then we admire the dim-witted commuter who so dutifully slapped this baby on. Carry on, genius!

Cycle of Life

Ever want your entire existence to be summed up by a single brand of one kind of product? We don't either. If one of your loved ones had the audacity to purchase and paste such bumper decor for you, what would it be?

Is it offensive to assume that an Apple symbol on your mobile gravestone would encapsulate your life? Would in be wrong if it were Nike or Wrigley's? What about a well-known brand of bacon?

Don't misunderstand: bacon is extremely dear to our hearts. We can't think of anything we'd rather chew on first thing in the morning or just prior to lights out. We just think that celebrating our adoration with our birth date and time of death isn't really "In Loving Memory".

Promoting Diversity

We understand: the US is packed with people who just can't claim an identity beyond their ethnicity, whether right of the boat or a distant descendant. All that said, we imagine that this driver probably could do more to turn down the Irish. After all, the only expression missing from this ride is a paw print that says, "my dog howls Danny Boy" and a leprechaun making some kind of gesture.

Where would the US be without foreigners (or Foreigner)? Just ask your friendly neighborhood Native American, we are willing to wager they might have an idea or seven.

Since there's no mistaking that most Americans aren't really from here anyway, this commuter can high-step tap dance that truth all the way to the pub for a pint. Just do it without Michael Flatley.

Don't Run

What does it mean to be a patriot? We aren't above flying an American flag on the house and studying US involvement in historical military conflicts. We don't, however, own a flag handkerchief or bumper art that round-house kicks "these colors don't run" in your face.

Though you may dress like a flag and buy expensive fireworks on July 4th, that voice from our conscience suggests that real patriotism looks a bit different. It may even startle you in it's idealism where violence, though a last resort, is clearly on the table and personal and physical sacrifice is a sacred rite.

We like to think that this R stands for "revolution" and refers to some colonists ejecting England from our shores a couple hundred years ago. We do apologize, however, if this commuter instead lays a steroid-laced barely intelligible cowboy smack down on you for not seeming 'Merican (whatever that is). That behavior is simply not patriotic.

Funky Smelling

Sometimes you say things without thinking. A phrase just comes flying out and, once it's there, you can't unring that bell. We find the awkwardness that follows such flabbergastion as altogether... enchanting.

When you consider the multitude and magnitude of misfired social media posts, you must gasp in order to keep your breath. In short, the enchantment just lasts longer.

As is the case with all tailgate graffiti, the embarrassing truth is that professing love for a rotten-sounding (and undoubtedly, smelling) vagabond is as ignominious as it is premeditated. That the paws are plentiful is all the more delicious.

No Need: They're Aware

What does a figure crawling signify? Really it doesn't matter if this commuter is trying to warn against smoke inhalation or how to escape the thermal wave on the edge of a nuclear blast radius, it is just plain weird.

However, we are simply not prepared to make the call as to whether it is, in fact, weird hot. It is certainly not high in temperature or pleasing to the eye. No, it is wierd.

The good news here is that, unlike the times when your compatriot is sporting an obstrusive booger or toilet paper is caught on your shoe at a party, this driver is well-aware. Some people just like attention; the type doesn't particularly matter.

Accomplished

We are of the opinion that the paw prints with customized text has spiraled out of control. Alas, this sighting is hardly exhibit A; it really is more like exhibit W.

We are fans of snarky discourse and readily partake in all manner of witty banter, derogatory or not. However, as has been widely reported with the recent scandal involving Mitt Romney's family (or more specifically, his black grandchild), Melissa Harris-Perry has proven that children are off limits.

So we are forced to put his commuter on notice: think referring to your pet indemnifies you from such responsibility? Think again, dog lover. Owning a canine does not give you free reign to comment on parenting.

Classic

Unlike so many of the bumper vomit that we witness, this vehicle owner acquired this decor for free. And that is the way it should be: we all drive to get somewhere, not to say something.

It strikes us as perfectly American, not just a malady of the rich, that conveyance from point A to B has somehow mutated into anything more that mere transportation.

Imagine, instead, if this driver had to pay somebody to beautify their vehicle in this way. Whether you judge it as ugly or magnificent, the made-in-the-USA art would have cost a small fortune.

And so we applaud this aficionado of mobile graffiti. It looks just as awesome as everything else we see.

Anytime AND Anywhere?

We hold this part of a woman's body in high esteem. Does that make us crude? Be that as it may, please lump us in with centuries of people who appreciate a great bosom.

Yet, even owning such appreciation, we also fall in line with centuries of people who are weirded out by wide-open, in-your-face breastfeeding. It could be that obtaining milk is not the first thing that comes to mind when considering a set of plush honkers.

But our better judgement screams that we simply don't love all breasts at all times; particularly at sporting events, museums, malls and in the workplace. Just like that muffin top that runneth over, ladies: simply because you in fact have the anatomy does not mean you can't put it away.

Out of Bounds

You'll have to assume that we are hardly the politically correct police. The phrase "race relations" is only ever used by vapid talking heads filling unspeakably low viewership air time. In fact, we tend to believe that stereotypes are labeled as such for very good reason: with occasional exceptions, they hold true.

That said, Martin Luther King, Jr. is indisputably a hero and this stick family ventures a distance beyond culturally acceptable. We aren't sure what the other bumper garbage signifies (perhaps a weightlifting family?) but the Ku Klux Klan member on the left must put this commuter in danger of random acts of violence.

We also assume that sporting it on the back of the minivan renders the wearing of masks by the Klan relatively irrelevant.