Snow Blindness

Across the US, these winter months have been extreme. And whenever extreme circumstances take over, we enjoy observing "true color" reactions. Whether people desperately need drama or simply can't fathom the most minute change, weather has brought about the most deliciously entertaining behaviors.

Is this commuter's expression desperate enough? Can you imagine what their addled thought process was before pulling out onto a major road?

It isn't even as if this is the day after some sweeping storm: just get a gander at the road conditions. No, this driver will never be affected by anything behind them. If they can't see you, you can't see them, right?

Classic

Unlike so many of the bumper vomit that we witness, this vehicle owner acquired this decor for free. And that is the way it should be: we all drive to get somewhere, not to say something.

It strikes us as perfectly American, not just a malady of the rich, that conveyance from point A to B has somehow mutated into anything more that mere transportation.

Imagine, instead, if this driver had to pay somebody to beautify their vehicle in this way. Whether you judge it as ugly or magnificent, the made-in-the-USA art would have cost a small fortune.

And so we applaud this aficionado of mobile graffiti. It looks just as awesome as everything else we see.

Sunbleached

What happens to stickers that you slap on your ride after spending your hard-earned cash? Besides communicating some completely random aspect of who you are (or perhaps were), they simply bake in the penetrating sun. If you are apparently very fortunate, your stickers will one day be the same color as your ride.

Ruined? Worthless? Even if you could somehow pressure blast them off, you'd be crazy to. After all, eventually they will be retro and even look the part.

At that point, why not simply plaster the entire vehicle with fairly unrelated mementos of bygone days? The application does give it a certain something; what that is, we won't say.

Collagiate

In much the same vein as some of these other bumper decorators, this commuter rolled up their sleeves and gave their tailgate the old college try. We wager this art took a bit more than a couple hours, when you consider acquiring, cutting and applying each sticker.

Wasted time? Of course not! This homage to the tailgate graffiti gods commutes deep significance. Sure, you can't make out any of the stickers but, just perhaps, that is the message.

Just because you may not consider yourself artsy doesn't mean that this driver isn't the Picasso of bumper art. And so this commuter earns the Impressionista® Award. Now let's hope that this ride passes registration for a few more years...

Suck Up

Just when tailgate graffiti can't possibly get more preposterous, we sat in traffic behind this doozey a couple days back. Perhaps this display is hearkening back to the commuter's innocent early days of putting on way too much makeup. Though to us, it only cries Mimi, from the Drew Carey Show, "wuz" here.

There is something about a lipstick mark this big - on the back of a car - that makes us question whether it says anything more than "this driver has an absurdly large mouth." How much lipstick on a "lady" exactly how large would it take to recreate this? One can only wonder.

We suppose this decor is intended to be somehow suggestive but we simply can't appreciate it on that level.

Gazumped

Recall the bliss of honeymooners living life jointly for the first days; so much anticipation coupled with an entertainingly small dose of reality? This driver has stuffed such memories deep into the dungeons of their heart and somehow the purported freedom doesn't feel quite so sweet.

If that wasn't enough, this is the exact voter that Barack Obama does not want to meet in a dark alley. Bitterly angry, you just know that they figuratively are honing a cloaked shiv with his name on it.

We are endlessly entertained by talking-head venom stored just beneath the surface of barely engaged politicos, always ready to raffle off the latest catch phrase from the farthest wing of either US party. "One ring to rule them all... and in [their] darkness bind them."

Shout out to AC of DC. Thanks for the photo!

Road Runner Grace

Ever wonder what the Road Runner and Jesus have in common? If it isn’t that obvious, you are in good company. Of course, the Looney Toons hero was innocent and always one step ahead of Wile E. Coyote (which, we suppose makes that antagonist character metaphorically the devil).

In related news, it appears that this truck has been subjected to numerous ludicrous accidents, no doubt with products sourced by ACME. Like Mr. Coyote though, this old-timer appears to take the direct hit and keep on running.

Regardless, this vehicle decor begs the question: how would Jesus drive? Certainly, if he chose to drive such a ride at all, you know that he wouldn't exceed the speed limit and would follow the traffic signs and signals. What would you do if Jesus passed you? It would undoutedly be done humbly, though definitively showing that you are driving too slow.

Those Guys

Yes, we all can recall the boys (with a "z") that never quite made it all the way through puberty and existed to play Dungeons & Dragons or trade comic books. Though they were super - of one kind or another - they could hardly be qualified as heroic. Usually they were super dirty and generally unpleasant.

As you might have guessed, even those boys grow up someday. Whether they drive enormous rides, to cart around there vast amount of stuff, or sport prolific knowledge of the absurdly useless, they nonetheless wear their capes with oozing pride.

And so we salute you, vagabonds of fantasy and denizens of earth. You are even getting a movie about which to build inane knowledge. Huzzah!

Who Needs Beauty?

Remember when, after you got your first real job and made a little money, you bought your first car? It was almost like you could point to your ride as a symbol of your personal independence both financially and emotionally: you had arrived.

Well, some people take these opportunities to shout "alternative" types of independence. Yeah, we don't subscribe to such wide admissions of multiple partners, one-night stands and (undoubtedly) parasitic infestations. That's right ladies: when you're piling into this car at the end of a long night, just know that this beast may leave more than a broken heart.

Entertainingly, when someone stripped the "Y" off of this commuter's lascivious bumper braggery (look closely), the message that this predator is really trying to communicate got a little clearer.

Grass Roots

One need not look deeply to find a vast array of conspiracies, from the utterly exhausting to deeply gripping. The Monsanto stories are so not sensational that we hesitate to call it a conspiracy. If we were totally cynical, we might even say that the theorists are more mainstream.

So mainstream, in fact, that we wonder why this driver was unable to locate tailgate graffiti to support the Cause. Then again, this custom job still gives off the vibe of being a "grass" roots effort (yup, that kind).

From the little we know, the Cause is anything but grass roots; though it does appear to be ineffective. Shouldn't successful business strategies be held accountable?

Whoops

Remember when graffiti plagued urban areas of all sizes? It was a blight inflicted by the very people who lived there. What a nice way let down your friends, family and neighbors. Little surprise that gangs and criminals always seemed to be behind the vandalism.

Fast forward a few years and people are actually paying money to apply graffiti to their cars. And then you have drivers like this one who started the job but seemed to pause on the V, as if they made a spelling error and got stuck trying to fix it with no solution.

To these types we say there is an alternative: you could decide (like millions of vehicle owners) not to adulterate the back of your ride. When did that cease to be a viable option?

Stache

The question isn't why should a car have a classic British butler mustache, it really is why not? Some cars are more refined and service-oriented than others. In much the same way that this commuter very politely requests supreme unleaded gasoline, he also takes it with tea and crumpets "if you please." And while we've seen some vehicles that demand lumberjack beards, this one simply rolls his stache, smiles and says, "cheerio old chap!"

Or, perhaps, that's precisely what this driver would like for us to think. In reality, the facial hair is probably more akin to a tired black caterpillar that has crawled up the tree and gone to sleep. Unkempt and odoriferous, this soup-strainer serves more as an after-dinner stash than a smooth fashion statement: beer foam, cigarette ash and tears have been known to surface from the bushes days later.

Hazzardous

 

With Bo and Luke Duke likely in a nursing home and Rosco Coltrane and Boss Hogg undoubtedly six feet under, it's difficult for us to quantify whether the Dixie flag carries any positive connotations in contemporary culture. It now seems archaic and, if we're being politically correct, not so cute to paint the rebel flag on your vehicle.

Though Daisy Duke was a roll model of sorts for us, we were surprised that there was no gun rack or fishing poles visible in this truck. Is it racist to assume this commuter was sporting overalls with no shirt? After all, how good of a "good ol' boy" can this driver be if he has all of his teeth and is dressed in a three-piece suit?

Yes, things change and occasionally for the better. We'll always have a soft spot in our hearts for the General Lee and its inevitable car chase followed by a crazy jump scene. Somehow it seemed like innocent fun and maybe that's just fine. However, we can't (in good conscience) fly this flag and it would look just plain stupid on our rides.

Shout out to SB of NJ. Thanks for the pic!

Peppers

Some peppers are hot, some are sweet and some are just plain mellow. I say "tomAto" you say "tomAHto". Wild card on this one: able to guess the ethnicity of the driver? Guesses in the comments will be answered, guaranteed. 

We can't claim partiality to poblano peppers in any way. If they are in salsa on the table, we would simply like some tortilla chips in order to devour them. If the peppers gussy up the intake somehow, great; just don't stand in the way of the feeding frenzy.

We understand that some people are foodies with an inexhaustible penchant for chatter. However, this seems a bit militant. We can almost picture this tattooed across the back of jailed gang banger or weightlifter representing the teenage wasteland. And so, we put this driver on notice: our BELL ink is off the hook.

Dookie Delivery

Okay so this is a company having a little fun with its mobile branding. It still doesn't offend our rule and, at the same time, makes for a memorable slogan. Is the thirsty tongue going a little too far?

Is this ride considered a hazmat transport? Before you say no, imagine this truck jackknifing in front of you on the interstate and exploding excrement covering everything in a quarter mile radius.

What three-chord raging bubble gum tune would Green Day write about this? We can't say whether the pieces would cover overworked teenage angst or self-bordem wastelands but we can say that it would have run on their third album from our younger years.

Shout out to DC of NJ. Thanks for the pic!

A Matter of Taste?

We cannot agree that all matter put forth as #art in fact qualifies as art. We find that making such a statement generally infuriates some connoisseurs (of precisely what? Well, that is the question).

Insomuch as your opinion of what passes for art meets some threshold (and is therefore correct in your mind), why can't the rest of us simply label some of it by its rightful name: pretentious jackassery? It occurs to us that not allowing for such dissent is a unique flavor of artistic #fascism.

Take this work, for example. Were we to consider whether this rolling death-trap qualifies, we would not be able to ignore that the bumper stenciling is a glowing example of shoddy workmanship. However, we applaud the agreement with our above sentiments: be creative and substantive, not absurd and ignorant.

Melting Pot

To our brothers of Puerto Rican, Cuban, Mexican and Nigerian descent, we offer this warning: Poland is coming for you. Just remember that when you hang your flag (whether from the rear view mirror or your window) and cruise around with your seat back and your music jacked up. We don't have to tell you that the polka can get loud and annoying.

And to all those militantly Polish Americans: so you are proud of some nationality other than being a #redneck, corn-fed, gun-slinging, these-colors-don't-run* 'Merican. Great! Get a holiday or parade to prove it. You know: one where excessive drinking is expected and assaulting people may be calendared annually.

Otherwise, did you even consider selling that truck one day? Got a strong Polish market for used pick-ups?

* Ever wonder how the laundry pun became gritty and strong? We blame it on Canadians.