Smashed Face

Question: What's worse than people who think pugs are cute?
Answer: Lovers of such mongrels that advertise their black belt on the back of their car.

When taking karate was somewhat cool, Ralph Macchio was a skinny under-twenty-year-old and children dreamed about taking on evil older kids, the Karate Kid burst into the imaginations of little boys across the US. Shockingly, even then you couldn't find bumper braggery about it. Since that was the 1980s, let's assume that some things have changed but not necessarily for the better.

We are thus forced to put this eternal adolescent on notice: pugs have to be one of the visually ugliest animals on four legs. Worse, 50 year old Ralph Macchio called and wants his black belt back. Now.

Outdoorsy

We have all crossed paths with those people who, though they reside exclusively in major metropolitan areas, endlessly strive to be at one with nature. Inevitably they drive all-terrain vehicles, which allow for higher emissions, and wax poetic about their most recent tree-hugging (or is it "tree-mugging"?) journey.

And so we put people like this commuter on notice: your carbon footprint (as calculated by Al Gore and his Al Jezeera compatriots) and granola eating skillz are no better than ours. If you want open trails for your bike, move to the interior of the country.

After all, the grass will always be greener. So put your cargo pants to proper use and fill your hydration pack: it's embarrassing when you use it at the metro gym.

Road Runner Grace

Ever wonder what the Road Runner and Jesus have in common? If it isn’t that obvious, you are in good company. Of course, the Looney Toons hero was innocent and always one step ahead of Wile E. Coyote (which, we suppose makes that antagonist character metaphorically the devil).

In related news, it appears that this truck has been subjected to numerous ludicrous accidents, no doubt with products sourced by ACME. Like Mr. Coyote though, this old-timer appears to take the direct hit and keep on running.

Regardless, this vehicle decor begs the question: how would Jesus drive? Certainly, if he chose to drive such a ride at all, you know that he wouldn't exceed the speed limit and would follow the traffic signs and signals. What would you do if Jesus passed you? It would undoutedly be done humbly, though definitively showing that you are driving too slow.

Yes Indeedy

A quick review of this bumper graffiti begs the immediate question: do the freaks really require such blessing? This commuter reveals their hand but we aren't as convinced. As with many American idioms, this expressions seems to be less a plea and more a statement.

And why not? Without freaks, the world would never have had the grunge movement or heavy metal music, the goth lifestyle, curious amounts and types of smoking in high school as well as all night raves. Then again, without techno freaks, Apple would cease to put out a new iPhone seven times a year.

Still we ask, does God in fact bless the freaks, either at all or in greater abundance than the evil non-freaks? It seems the freaks inevitably mellow into middle aged parents and professionals. In that case: God bless us, every one.

Welcome Aboard

What ever happened to the classic baby on board caution sign hanging in the rear window? This new-fangled version says the same thing but somehow seems strangely alien.

Perhaps it's Canadian? They do say wacky things up there, eh? Or could it be British? Leave it to the Brits to introduce massive confusion to our English language. They probably call this kind of decor "boot booty."

Either way, the image of the baby fills us with great American protectionism, kind of like the international symbol for choking. After all, if someone is gripping their neck, turning blue and gagging, there isn't anyone in the world who would think they are simply clearing their throat.

Those Guys

Yes, we all can recall the boys (with a "z") that never quite made it all the way through puberty and existed to play Dungeons & Dragons or trade comic books. Though they were super - of one kind or another - they could hardly be qualified as heroic. Usually they were super dirty and generally unpleasant.

As you might have guessed, even those boys grow up someday. Whether they drive enormous rides, to cart around there vast amount of stuff, or sport prolific knowledge of the absurdly useless, they nonetheless wear their capes with oozing pride.

And so we salute you, vagabonds of fantasy and denizens of earth. You are even getting a movie about which to build inane knowledge. Huzzah!

Ramble On

Yes, the boys of legendary band Led Zeppelin appear to be at it again. If traveling the world playing some of the best classic rock weren't enough, likely in a crush of complete boredom, the band members borrowed or created their own symbols for an album cover and have since been hawking them for the back of your ride.

Of course, that is a bit unlikely; not that the symbols are on the fourth album, but that they give a rip if you choose to past them on your bumper.

We prefer to imagine instead that the band have more going on in their lives. Case in point, Robert Plant's project with Alison Krauss was way more than a simple cameo. But quick cameos, like this one which included the other surviving members, keeps them rambling on.

Who Needs Beauty?

Remember when, after you got your first real job and made a little money, you bought your first car? It was almost like you could point to your ride as a symbol of your personal independence both financially and emotionally: you had arrived.

Well, some people take these opportunities to shout "alternative" types of independence. Yeah, we don't subscribe to such wide admissions of multiple partners, one-night stands and (undoubtedly) parasitic infestations. That's right ladies: when you're piling into this car at the end of a long night, just know that this beast may leave more than a broken heart.

Entertainingly, when someone stripped the "Y" off of this commuter's lascivious bumper braggery (look closely), the message that this predator is really trying to communicate got a little clearer.

Darth Reproductis

Looks like Anakin Skywalker's plan worked out after all. Following massive blood-letting, not to mention more intolerable wooing of Padme, it appears he gave rise to a whole gaggle of robotic sithlings. Was he cunningly evil or just darkly virile?

Like this commuter, perhaps he just wanted to fill his minivan so that he could slap some tailgate graffiti on the back. If that was the game, "well played sir, very well played."

Imagine having this many brooding, lightsaber toting siths under one roof? We are willing to bet that they go through babysitters like tissues, what with all of the force choking and related telekenetic tomfoolery.

Duplicative

We question whether to qualify this one as a "vanity" plate. Surely you can imagine a few declarations that are more vain. If not, who can forget such legendary braggery like Noel Gallagher's claim, as songwriter for Oasis, that the band's album was better than that of the Beatles (as in THE The Beatles). Don't know who Oasis was? Timeless, that band.

"Anyways" (one of our favorite incorrect usages), it seems like the owner of this vehicle should save themselves the registration and tag costs and simply purchase a new car.

Better yet, stop carting your beater around on a trailer. Some people have felt the recession pretty heavily; others most decidedly have not.

Schooled, Handicapped Style

If you thought a citation for parking in a handicap space was bad, think again. Forget Cajun style, this driver just went multiple sclerosis on your hiney.

We have never known anyone who has knowingly parked in the disabled spot. Though they are always closest to the entrance of wherever you're going, it's almost like the space is surrounded by a force field.

Not saying we're up for canonization: we have run a few red lights, parked illegally and even committed a little vandalism in our days. That said, we even feel guilty about using the handicapped stall when there's a line up in the bathroom. What if a disabled person just happened to need it while you're in there?

Shout out to MF of NJ. Thanks for the pic!