Spreading Distortion

Ever have a moment of pure self awareness when the horizon clears, the synapses fire and something just seems indisputably right? This tailgate graffiti is an excellent example that not everyone enjoys even passing moments of such lucidity.

To be fair, we could Google EA and TEF and perhaps it might clear up this little misunderstanding. However, much like QR codes on commercial vehicles, do you really want to communicate with those people who have so little time on their hands that they choose to make the time to find out?

If the point of awareness ribbons is self-evident, then we admire the dim-witted commuter who so dutifully slapped this baby on. Carry on, genius!

Their Lives are a Horror Flick

We are unable to feign even the slightest interest in Brad Pitt's zombie movie. For that matter, we have missed the entire zombie flavor of the month; well, perhaps ignored is more appropriate than missed. Of course, we likely aren't the target demographic either; intellectual, over 20 and educated.

Though we would never suggest it to groupies, we are convinced that the whole act is merely the product of American Boredom, similar in odor to the New (or Old, as the case may be) Kids on the Block. After all, when was the last time, in a moment of meaningful self-reflection, that you thought to yourself "I need more drama in my life"? Warning: if you answered "never," you just might not be an adolescent anymore.

Rat-a-Tat-Tat

Weren't concerned with the onslaught on the economically crucial tattoo industry? Consider yourself aware. Isn't it rewarding to be so well informed?

Some parents force their eager children to wait until they are 18 before spewing colored ink into their skin. Worse, adults over the age of 30 generally refuse to inject the stuff for recreational purposes relegating usage to medical reasons only.

If that weren't dire enough, people over 40 have discovered that snaking dragons and tramp stamps end up sagging in embarrassing, colorful drips of skin. They have even had their paint removed, always paying much more than the cost of getting inked in the first place. There is no "tattoo" in "team" but there is "meat."

Anatomy & Physiology

We were unaware of the epidemic ravaging the New York Jets. Even some insurance companies think this isn't quite possible. Sure, they struggle most seasons to reach .500 but, for Jets fans, that isn't really a new illness. (When Sunday games become too one-sided fans can always agree that it won't ever get as bad as Anthony Weiner, their most famous mayoral candidate ever.)

In all of our complaints about magnet ribbons, we have never touched the legendary pink ribbons. But somehow, this display seems at least a little self-congratulatory on the part of Gang Green.

After all, every NFL team spreads such awareness during the month of October. Could it be that the Jets get extra points for letting Sanchez suit up?

Just Eat It

We are always a bit flummoxed by the diet crazes that come and go. We like many varieties of food just fine. In truth, while it has never occurred to us to consume with a vengeance, we also don't pretend to have the will power to starve ourselves. We simply aren't complicated enough.

So when did carbs stop receiving our support? This one feels a little obsessive. So we are putting this driver on notice: stop messing around and staple your stomach already. 

In an ode not to Michael Jackson but more to his wacky cannibalizer, Al Yancovic, we say eat or don't eat it; "my foot, I care not."

Lullaby of Dreamland

We harbor grave reservations whether this driver breaks for anyone, like Dark Helmet in #Spaceballs. And here is why: while we won't stake what little reputation we have on it, we are convinced that we will "never ever (see) a unicorn..." In short, we place more credibility on lessons from #ShelSilverstein than this commuter's word.

We also question whether anyone "gots" enough music for this car owner's liking. After all, it isn't like you can prove it with the size of your milk mustache; and yours will not be larger than #WesWelker's stache.

Yet we deeply appreciate this driver's reference to one of our favorite #Seinfeld episodes. You know the one: Elaine takes Jerry's idea for renaming a classic book "War: what is it good for?" We feel the refrain works especially well for the usefulness of such bumper art: absolutely nothin'.

Senatorial Concerto

The events in #Boston of this past week have been widely reported as reflections of terrorist activities of 2001 in NYC, DC and Pennsylvania. Certainly our collective attention was captured in similar wonder from the time the suspects' photos were released to when Suspect number two was taken. Since we and every other employee working in a high rise building across our metropolitan center (not one of those mentioned above) were evacuated that clear Fall day and all flights were grounded in US air space, we humbly beg to differ on any further similarities.

While we considered questioning the validity of this statement's plea (might God choose not to bless 'Merica out of some justifiable reason?), we prefer instead to poke a little fun at a spirited, albeit feeble, attempt by a menagerie of US senators crooning out this ribbon's namesake.

Undoubtedly, what was concocted as a great idea just didn't keep the same gumption when the cameras zoomed in. Though certain among us can't ever get enough schmaltz, we beg that such a rendering never be repeated.

Awareness Ribbon Awareness

Seems a little bit of overkill, no? We don't have a problem with spreading awareness like an itchy disease.

 

We do get concerned, however, that too much awareness can become so consuming that we all become counter aware and, ultimately, dismissive. It's a medically diagnosable psychosomatic reaction, we're almost positive. 

So you have some causes that you believe in and you are intent on inflicting them on others? Fine. We only ask that you choose a more effective means of communication.

Bumper Ribbon Awareness

Look, we get it: bad things do happen. Diseases are completely impartial. We're sorry that someone you know is going through something tragic. But is pity really the awareness you're going for? Really?

If so, we liken such tailgate vocalizations to the guy (yup, the GUY) on LinkedIn who posts updates with superlative frequency on every mind-numbing topic whether personal, professional or just plain inane.

Is there a telekinetic payoff for being so hyperaware?

Limited Patriotism

Don't get us wrong: we support the troops (see Troops and Troupes). We are painfully aware of how horrific our service in the military would be. Some of you are cool under pressure while some of us would probably just freak out.

It is this painful awareness healthy respect of our own shortcomings coupled with the huge sacrifices made by our women and men in uniform that cause us to suspect that only slapping a magnet on the back of a car could be offensive to those in the service.

Got any number of these magnets on you car? Fine. What was the last practical thing you went out of your way to do to serve those who have served you?

Aware Yet?

Human minds can hold only so much: some say we only use 10% of our brains. From personal experience, we're certain that less usage is inordinately possible.

We thought that tailgate magnets were cause-worthy. However, we're not convinced that any cause is well served by such unclear messaging. What, then, awareness are you spreading?

Jackpot!

Somedays we'll not see car graffiti for hours and enjoy it, kind of like spending a day in Napa after growing up in Watts  the Bronx the cement jungle. Inevitably we pull up behind a car like this which, though in good shape, appears to be a junker -- hey y'all.

A shining testament to diarrhea of the mouth in sticker form, we wonder whether the martini glass might get the lights flashing send the wrong message to those heading to or from CHM (wherever that is).

We are also entertained by the gumption of including the yellow ribbon that signifies something (what we don't know, or care): it reminds us of the raging quakes of nonsense who spout off incessantly and then become deathly serious and philosophical when inebriated.

Canine H8R?

The back if this boat car makes us genuinely question whether this driver has any remnant of a soul.

The only thing that isn't clear is why they are so anti-dog. We blame it on Lassie the parents (see comments).

Cat Lady

Not quite a super hero, at least not along the lines of Halle Berry or Michelle Pfeiffer, she obviously believes she is still pretty super. We don't remember single women who house multiple cats quite the same way. In fact, we love the action figure dedicated to such feats of old maid-ism.