Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Rage Against the Man

One must imagine that this driver keeps the iconic "Born to be Wild" on a constant loop in this ride. We picture a room at this person's house dedicated completely to $50 electric guitars, a Hammond organ, Black Sabbath records and reams of tabs of obscure hits from the 70s and 80s. Though Rock-n-Roll vestiges from those days have generally passed on, they are all still legendary stories living in that dank, tricked-out room.

But the picture isn't complete until you see this mangy rebel reporting for work at the local #Starbucks on Monday morning, undoubtedly hungover and reeking of a vile mix of cheap booze, stale cigarettes, sweat and newly sown tears.

We put this rocker on notice: contrary to how it may feel, your late night gigs will succeed; do not give up the fight. For now, keep cutting your hair but don't throw out your #BonJovi hair extensions: there's no telling when such krimped locks will help you thrash your way to unmitigated stardom. 

Friday, April 26, 2013

Dog Supporter, Spouse Opponent

Remember the escapades of #BillClinton? We were awed that it wasn't really a question of if he would slide into infidelity but when and, somehow, the claims that our most public figure's behavior was no one's business but his. Common sense didn't seem so common.

We have had the distinct displeasure to become acquainted with a few people cut from this cloth. You know the type: they are militantly "progressive" on animal rights and similarly militant to their closest human companions.

However we must at least give this car owner credit for being open enough about their outlandish opinions. The ones you really need to worry about are the people who smack you across the face with deeply unhealthy psychoses with no warning.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Big Bird Wuz Here

We liken this display to the uneducated of yesteryear who signed their names by making their mark. Kind of like #BigBird left a steaming "present" in the back seat and, to allay any doubt, kicked the back of this ride a couple times.

Who can blame him? It isn't as if the Bird ever signed anything with its Tyrannosaurus Rex-like minuscule arms. Certainly his voice isn't intimidating enough to stick around and gloat like #B.A.Baracus. We really do pity the fool.

Think this commuter is the victim, what with all the vandalism? Think again: life has handed the Bird only impossibility. As the real victim, we believe he had little choice.

Shout out to TM of VA. Thanks for the pic!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Lullaby of Dreamland

We harbor grave reservations whether this driver breaks for anyone, like Dark Helmet in #Spaceballs. And here is why: while we won't stake what little reputation we have on it, we are convinced that we will "never ever (see) a unicorn..." In short, we place more credibility on lessons from #ShelSilverstein than this commuter's word.

We also question whether anyone "gots" enough music for this car owner's liking. After all, it isn't like you can prove it with the size of your milk mustache; and yours will not be larger than #WesWelker's stache.

Yet we deeply appreciate this driver's reference to one of our favorite #Seinfeld episodes. You know the one: Elaine takes Jerry's idea for renaming a classic book "War: what is it good for?" We feel the refrain works especially well for the usefulness of such bumper art: absolutely nothin'.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Senatorial Concerto

The events in #Boston of this past week have been widely reported as reflections of terrorist activities of 2001 in NYC, DC and Pennsylvania. Certainly our collective attention was captured in similar wonder from the time the suspects' photos were released to when Suspect number two was taken. Since we and every other employee working in a high rise building across our metropolitan center (not one of those mentioned above) were evacuated that clear Fall day and all flights were grounded in US air space, we humbly beg to differ on any further similarities.

While we considered questioning the validity of this statement's plea (might God choose not to bless 'Merica out of some justifiable reason?), we prefer instead to poke a little fun at a spirited, albeit feeble, attempt by a menagerie of US senators crooning out this ribbon's namesake.

Undoubtedly, what was concocted as a great idea just didn't keep the same gumption when the cameras zoomed in. Though certain among us can't ever get enough schmaltz, we beg that such a rendering never be repeated.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Love


What do we allow to change us? Are we fundamentally the same until an external force throttles us into a change of character, belief, path? Can we accept change without the beating from an outside event or being?

When did we love -- really love? And not the kind of Hollywood scene with a beach at sunset shimmering romantically around a couple. Not even the stuff that a parent deeply feels for their child or the glowing affection of a friend. No, we’re talking about love that throws our carefully crafted, yet utterly insufficient, American security to the wind to help another person: a stranger, maybe even a nobody; regardless just one being. And try to assist not because we are heroic or deserve credit, such as it is, but simply because we become aware of a need, desperate or not. We may or may not be qualified, perhaps we are straight-up incompetent, to help but willing nonetheless. Where is willingness and civility of such a basic level? #CarlosArredondo

How have we mindlessly meandered into easy, painless and almost automatic love? Too lost in the wilderness ourselves; are we too trapped on our knees to love another soul? Who suckered us into cheap religiosity and far away from action-based, purely sacrificial, smoldering just beneath the surface, broken love. The ground is littered with well-intentioned, half-hearted, pointless, lazy love.

What have we become? Far more importantly, will we trust anything enough to change us? Or do we require shock therapy and torture of a worse kind?

Friday, April 19, 2013

Just Wrong

We have no way of knowing if this commuter has an inflamed case of athletes foot or is merely commenting on their opposition to panty lines. Certainly people have every right to their opinion but posting it on the back if their vehicle?

Whether referring to footwear fitting between the toes or a wedge of quite another kind, this bumper expression strikes us as too much information. Like #KevinBacon angry fighting/dancing in #Footloose, can't people express themselves in a warehouse where nobody else has to be subjected to such displays? Is a healthy dose of self-doubt that overrated?

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Oven Mitt

We wish this one could have been captured more cleanly. We also wish that #VisionStreetWear was still making clothes and that we could fly like an eagle or, at the very least, play a double guitar. Like our photography, without turning back time or partaking of illicit drugs, we just have to let it go.

On the other hand, this vehicle owner (like this one and that one) could have gone a little lighter on their political haranguing, at least considering the possibility that #Obama might win. After all, if you absolutely must shove your politics down others people's throats, ever heard of magnets?

We all have opinions and we each make mistakes. Yet somehow we all seem a bit wiser than this commuter. We hate to break the news to you so abruptly: the president isn't #Mitt and 'Merica didn't fire Obama. It must smart something awful.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Pea Pods

Isn't this cozy? Who needs stick characters when a couple owls will do? Throw in a branch and you have a simple and wise couple. And life really is that quaint.

Many people believe that everyone has a #soulmate. You know: someone who always supports you and protects you. Someone who listens and never interrupts. Someone that gives more than they take. Someone [insert further cheesey blather here].

We tend to agree with Robert Zimmerman, the godfather of 20th century poetry. Yes, like #BobDylan suggests, it isn't "me you're looking for". In fact, if you are looking for such a soul mate, we suggest that (particularly on the lack of interruption) you may be looking for a canine friend. However, for a human to provide such relationship we may all need to lower our expectations... just a little.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Feline-Human Experimentation

Sun glare isn't just a danger while operating your vehicle. Nope, overexposure can even ruin our efforts to catalog inane bumper decor. Curse the shining orb in all its radiant splendor!

Believe it or not, this septua- or octogenarian driver boasts a feline blood relative. Perhaps Dr. Moreau wasn't simply a character dreamed up by #HGWells?

We can neither confirm nor deny the validity of such boasting or whether the hybrid beast instinctively licks itself and sports a ringed tail. So in the spirit of base mockery, we accept such tomfoolery at face value.

Always refuted as literary fiction, this commuter proves that human-animal genetic mixing has been successful, on one level or another.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Some Just Don't Got It

#AmericanIdol was the first US program to feature those aspiring musicians who have no sense of pitch, musicianship and, frankly, hearing. And it was entertaining, at least for the first part of the first season.

We prefer those musicians that "have it," the entertainers that can let loose with that certain je ne sais quoi. This is the true sixth sense: "it" cannot be taught and can only be contained and controlled by the vessel to which it has been entrusted.

We are unable to make the call as to whether this driver has it. After all, we only sat behind this vehicle in traffic. It would be a crying shame, however, if this stick family is only passing along their talent to the depicted birds, which are simply longer-lasting pre-teenagers. Want beings which never completely develop their own personality but will constantly argue? Buy a couple birds and don't forget the corresponding bumper art.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Boxer of Another Kind

Heard the one about a boxer who lives for the discipline of training, lacing up the gloves and dancing to the ring but is just not able to take a punch? #SlyStallone would say that such a person is only deluding themselves. (Actually, he'd mumble something unintelligible but it would mean something along those lines.)

And then there is another custom pet sticker to shout from the mountain (or the back of your car) who your favorite family member is. Though we have tried to force some type of genuine appreciation for such displays, our best effort falls precariously short.

We harbor no reservation that this commuter diligently dresses their dog in any manner of outfits (not just for trick-or-treating) and creates photo collages and video montages of their very best friend. Face it people: even though yours is a living creature, this behavior is still as creepy as the 45 year-old who clutches a doll.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Stinkerbell

Early one morning, we wished upon a star and believed with all our might that there were such creatures as fairies. We know that #TobiasFunke frequents "male only" bars and behaves like an adolescent school girl but we somehow imagined that beings more magical do exist.

That fateful morning, our early commute was running so late that we basically needed our ride to sprout wings. Whether by blind luck or a #WaltDisney miracle, we happened across this promising chariot.

After much sneezing with little gesundheit, we were unable to escape being late. That Tink exists, however, is altogether indisputable.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Paul Who?

To this nostalgic commuter we ask, isn't it enough already? You would think that multiple losses a setback might leave enough of a bad taste in a candidate's mouth that they would not need the reminder to be tattooed on your car. We only request a measure of grace to spare him and your car further misery.

After a few opportunities, might the voters' lack of support demonstrate evidence that the love revolution hasn't taken root? Just spit-balling here. Then again, who knows whether #JesseJackson has the stomach for another run. Junior might be able to offer insightful guidance on raising support...

#RonPaul, however, requires no further encouragement. Though we'd prefer to make light of such caged wisdom, one cannot help but gawk at his gumption.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Canine-Human Mix

What remains unclear is whether the dog should bark less or whether such demand is required of the lady behind the wheel. We will not, under any circumstances, accept the directive that we should bark less: barking is our privilege, nay our right in God's country, lady. Don't agree? Get in line and file a frivolous lawsuit like a good 'Merican.

That the butterfly and the dog should wag more is, however, definitive. And, while it might seem safe to assume such wagging would occur without suggestion, we join this car owner in demanding that all butterflies and dogs make it a point to wag, just a little more.

What's with all the butterflies on vehicles? We can't be sure but we guess, what with all the wagging, that they must offer an aerodynamic advantage.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Eye Heart Home


We appreciate the sentiment here but probably not enough for this commuter's taste. We all know these types: a hemp-encrusted urban #hippie whose utter lack of personal hygiene even drives away the rats innocently digging through their organic soy-based goulash garbage can (which is placed right next to their recycling bins and compost heaps).

What we would really like to know about the #SupportLocalFarmers "movement" (we use that term really loosely) is how much resistance they encounter. It isn't as if we witness bumper decor or t-shirts that proudly declare "I Hate Local." And what better position to take: raging in righteous fury, holding forth against -- well nobody really. We applaud such noble courage.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Flutterby in the Sky

We hesitate to suggest that anyone is more or less patriotic than someone else. Passing such judgement seems like an unnecessary race to extremism, which can only lead to practical #McCarthyism. Don't believe us? Ask someone how patriotic they are: even if they can prove undying loyalty, the process of proving it feels an awful lot like those hearings of yore.

While #LevarBurton might love this symbol of brute 'Merican strength, we find it wanting a certain amount of heft or muscle. Even though he danced like a butterfly, the great #MuhammedAli realized he needed to sting like a bee.

Lest our proud nation risk being pulverized on the windshield of people with competing ideas, we suggest a more wise, strong, powerful animal. In short, almost any other creature will do.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Tip o' the Hat

We have reason to believe that this commuter is a religiously faithful reader of this blog and, as such, has been just hoping that we'll cross paths. Well, we salute you right back loyal fan: it isn't often that dreams come true but today is your lucky day.

Now, some might say that this tailgate sticker has something to do with military service. Still others will suggest that this decor is in the spirit of the hunting practical joke.

To those who are thus convinced, why you are so very #guncrazy? Get a grip: even for card-toting members of the #NRA, it doesn't have to be all about firearms, people.