Lithuania or Bust

Lest it ever be said that we don't feature support for countries and ethnicities from all ends of the earth, we found this gem and got a decent shot. And we're not saying don't be proud of your heritage: this commuter is certainly more conservatively vocal than this Polish driver. 

Then again, when it is an oft stated fact that 'Mericans can't tell you where the US is on a globe, it may just be that most viewers of this bumper decor assume this ride is hailing a section of Chicago or New York than a Baltic state. 

In salute of this proud patriot, we give you all that is Lithuanian of which you may (or may not) be familiar with: Easter Granny, the capital Vilnius, and the importance of basketball. Here in the US of A, pro basketball has become about as gripping as amateur shuffleboard. But in Lithuania that sport is a religion.

Plate Anarchy

We found this one a bit entertaining. Kind of like people who don't "get" Seinfeld, we wonder how this driver is willing to pay for vanity plates that just don't seem to go with their car. 

So, is it a Japanese auto maker or a vehicle made in 'Merica? Could it be that people in the market for a car buy the vanity plate before settling on the car?

Perhaps it isn't that easy: maybe this commuter lives in their own fantasy world like executives of some poorly run businesses. You just know that the other shoe is going to drop at some point but, like the Bluth family, you have become too accustomed to a life of luxury to stomach the change. 

A la Playa

We've reviewed that all rules and expectations about euro tags are completely out the window. Clearly this commuter is with us and, rather than sport a "PB" tag and risk being misunderstood as a Plymouth Brethren, a peanut butter supporter or a Pottery Barn devotee, they have gone all the way and spelled out this northern New England waterfront. Such is the state of bumper graffiti on 'Merican roads.

Who says la playa is only in Latin America? We put all such believers on notice: you are undoubtedly racist. God's country boasts an abundance of sandy, sun-drenched stretches of wavy goodness and Popham only proves that Vacationland is definitely the way life should be.

Dookie Delivery

Okay so this is a company having a little fun with its mobile branding. It still doesn't offend our rule and, at the same time, makes for a memorable slogan. Is the thirsty tongue going a little too far?

Is this ride considered a hazmat transport? Before you say no, imagine this truck jackknifing in front of you on the interstate and exploding excrement covering everything in a quarter mile radius.

What three-chord raging bubble gum tune would Green Day write about this? We can't say whether the pieces would cover overworked teenage angst or self-bordem wastelands but we can say that it would have run on their third album from our younger years.

Shout out to DC of NJ. Thanks for the pic!

Wailing

No, though we might be tempted to blog about some monstrous commuter we may have seen, we're not talking about whaling (as practiced aboard the Pequod) but instead wailing (like Robert Plant really letting it go in "Kashmir"). Our apologies to those incessantly entertained by "your momma" jokes.

On the face of it, we find no fault with this tailgate admission: when the spirit moves you, you really should let it loose; the louder, the better. To refrain seems like allowing a little piece of you to be put to death. 

Occasionally, however, we've noted that people of a certain non-male gender are unable to maintain proper control of their ride while screaming lyrics in a confrontational cover of a song that the original artist would undoubtedly describe as, well, altogether personally offensive. Particularly when you see the Beyonce hand gestures and swerving in the lane, you know that it's safer to pull over or just accelerate right past them. Real friends don't let friends wail behind the wheel. 

Intimidation

It is humiliatingly safe to say that we have never been described as tough or physically intimidating. In primary school it would have paid dividends to have been less scrawny and whitebread or to wear a leather jacket and boots, like Kenickie. 

Even when we attempted to project a psycho-wild vibe that said "I'll bury your children alive," nobody took us seriously. Fifty-seven pounds soaking wet in the fifth grade will do that for you. At least we could run like the wind. 

If you post this bumper decor on your vehicle is it also mandatory that you splash mud on the side? We can all agree that the flaming skull would only be "flaming" if this driver avoids off-roading. 

Roid Rage

Might this driver be raging against the injections that promised better performance under the Saturday night lights but only delivered heightened anxiety and a smaller member?

Perhaps the owner of this vehicle is a catalyst, creating opportunities and enhancing performance for others? Or maybe it highlights their penchant for inflicting bloated side effects?

Either way, we caution anyone who is unlucky enough to encounter this super jock in traffic: this guy is more human than a human and you can forget simple road rage. It's more likely that, due to synthetic human growth hormones, he's perpetually on his way to the gym and looking for a fight (#Community). He'd feel less remorse for tearing your face off than Hannibal Lecter.

Shout out to GC of NJ. Thanks for the pic!

Stickaholic

We couldn't help but note the near perfect stickering on this statement. You have to wonder how many hours this commuter invested aligning circular, fish-shaped and rectangular graffiti on this ride.

Like the owner, we also spent untold hours playing Atari before upgrading to a Commodore 64. The gods of Breakout and Pitfall cringe at our mythological 80s gaming prowess. We consequently sport brute thumb strength and a decidedly limited attention span. 

One must wonder why some of the stickers have been removed. Did they not fit correctly on the perfectly calibrated grid? We find it unlikely that they were stolen in a bad neighborhood.

'Bamacare Fanbase

We get it: you voted twice and your guy triumphed twice. However, this tailgate braggery seems a bit, dare we say, overstated. Enough so that this driver should reconsider rounding the bases for a second time. It doesn't take a calculus professor to explain that you had a 50% chance of getting it right. That's right: ignore the Gallup polls; while they may imperfectly forecast, the data points don't change the math of casting your vote.

We flip coins on occasion and guess which side will be up. The only difference is that we don't believe such exploits to be bumper-worthy.

However, where this driver completely loses us is hearting the healthcare regulation. Do you think Harry Reid or Dianne Feinstein sport this sticker on their rides? Tipping the hat to Flight of the Conchords, there can't be many more than one, so we'll call it a fanbase to make it seem bigger.

Caped Crusader

We know that #Batman is genuinely valiant but more recent renditions of the fable have advanced the notion that this hero is touched by an unhealthy dose of villainy. Does it make the character seem more real or might it simply allow us to be more comfortable in our own skin?

Is driving an oversized pickup truck heroic? What if you slap the dark knight's sticker on the back? Perhaps it works for this driver but we have concluded that the owner is mostly villain and very little super hero.

We imagine that this commuter does more tooling around town than hauling loads of cargo down dusty mountain sides, no matter what image the advertisements sell.

How Many Pirates

No matter what you think of the explosion of tailgate graffiti you must admit that the variety of stick families is staggering. There are ghoulish, awkward, Star Wars, athletic, hobby, yoga, among many others. While we find them preposterous, we are occasionally entertained by what the figures unintentionally communicate.

This cadre of buccaneers is just another example of bumper braggery gone awry: after all does the owner of this vehicle really mean to imply that their family is a pillaging band of thieves?

Further, the sheer size of this family indicates that the mum cross-bones has been as belabored as the interminability of Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Such numbers would do the Icelandic political party proud.

Forgetful

To those of us who might have forgotten, what would this commuter say? Might they question the depth of our patriotism? Would this car owner feel disenchanted that we don't sport a red, white and blue t-shirt or tattoo that reads "these colors don't run?"

Would a benefit concert put on by washed-up celebrities cause everyone to remember? How about two or, for that matter, 50 such programs? We are certain that Eminem is just jonesing to drop a charitable beat.

Could it be that some of us don't need a sticker on the back of our ride to remember. Whoops, we failed to include a question mark...

Taken

We've all seen enough of that "I Heart My [insert animal family or species here]" graffiti on the back of cars. While they are no doubt heartfelt, they also seem to be embarrassing missives to inflict on complete strangers.

We love the fact that this sticker is completely counter-cultural. If you spend any time following today's role models, it is anything but stylish to heart your wife, even behind closed doors. But to be so explicitly open about it is downright courageous. We applaud this guy's tenacity.

In a refreshing twist, this driver is celebrating that he isn't a "playboy" or "playa" (and we don't mean a beach). So ladies, you can look but you can't touch: he's taken.

Swim Snob

We have already covered this lady's platitude and the resultant conclusions. However, we choose to ignore the stuffed animal in the window. REALLY?

Could her next tailgate decor possibly read "Make Swim Not War?" Why not? It seems just as relevant.

But what is with swimmers sticking their chlorine-bleached heads into everything? Could it be a racial slur to boast of your swimming prowess? We have had enough and thus this commuter is hereby on notice: we have confiscated all of your goggles, nose plugs and swim caps. If you must do so much bumper bragging about your aquatic exploits, it only seems fair for you to enjoy the water. No barriers.

Just Dew It

On days when we find the world spinning a bit too fast and our existence seeming to amount to nothing more than shifting sands of paper, we can empathize with this blue collar commuter. After all, anyone who is above escapism of one kind or another is selling something cheap and tasteless.

That isn't to say that our ideal escape is hopping on a thunderous hog to feel the wind in our hair and taste the bugs in our teeth. And that's why it is so important that we are different: we are happy to let this driver haul loads in his oversized pick-up and then don the dew rag and leather on the weekends. In the meantime, we'll chase the 'Merican dream in suburbia.

We may join you at some point in the future but, for now, ride hard my friend. Real hard.

Yup, Really Nice

We have never found reason to mistreat #FatPeople, as this driver refers to such gravitationally strained people. There doesn't seem to be anything easy in a life of obesity. Whether it is a hike up flights of stairs or waiting in line during the summer at an amusement park, the heavy breathing and sweating alone screams hard work.

We question whether this commuter intends such tailgate graffiti to justify their need for kindness or as a skinny person poking fun at the overweight among us. If the former, we'll tell the owner get in line: everyone needs love, whether they admit they want a lot or a little; it just seems like we tend to look in rather strange places for approval these days.

If they are taking obese people to task we question why. Beyond the fact that entire comedy routines are based on fat jokes, are you not aware that these people are accustomed to being the butt of most harassment? To wit, that question even contains a pun -- a PUN! In all, it feels like lazy humor aimed at the usual suspects.

Endangered: Cosmetic Surgeons

We aren't quite certain what to make of this one. Inquiring minds may ask but we don't care enough to Google it. It would be comical if this driver is supporting a South American indigenous tribe or expressing some obscure reference to #Lost. We would be happy to let it go but just don't possess the maturity to do so.

Our better judgement aside, has there been a rash of breast reduction procedures of which we simply aren't aware? We know that body parts can be harvested but can they be rescued?

Forget saving busts, what about the plight of poor, unfortunate plastic surgeons? What other money making venture could they possibly have? By all accounts reality TV programs (#PlasticWives) featuring cosmetic surgeons are boringly formulaic.

Heavenly Kitty

While we're certain the feline does not entertain 72 virgins, we further beg to differ with the idea that your cat has gone to heaven. Though we also hate to put it so directly, more than likely it simply is buried in the backyard.

People have difficulty with the passing of their pet and it isn't without good reason. We simply request that you don't trumpet this sad truth to the world on the back of your car.

Is it even worth asking about the awkward sideways smile? We are forced to put this commuter on notice: people who have suffered a stroke need not endure such shenanigans. We know that you are in a place of pain but what reason could you have for lashing out at innocent bystanders?

Human(e) Rescue

What kind of an animal would this pet have to be in order to save its owner and earn such praise? Is a rabbit capable of this rescue? Was a gerbil responsible for the #RichardGere urban legend?

Why wouldn't this post be a series of questions? Have we really left each other this emotionally bereft? Does this sentiment seem like the new normal? Aren't animals our equivalents?

Do we have similar feelings for our family and friends or is it only pets? Do we segregate ourselves or is it everyone else who is to blame for alienating us?

We often draw significance from feelings and emotions but we must be careful lest such meaning lack reason.

Shout out to DP of PA. Thanks for the pic!