Daddy's Princess

Okay, so if not princess, perhaps "daddy's little fairy" sounds better? No matter how you chew it, this is daddy's fancy girl, his one and only Hubba Bubba.

You know the type: she's received more moving violations for yakking away on her phone than for speeding or parking. She's the one who believes that the mirrors in her pimped-out ride are for makeup purposes only. Yup, her cigarette lighter has been adapted for her curling iron and seat stains are more likely from nail polish than kids or crazy nights. 

And while not a continuous threat, her concurrent smoking, cosmetics application, gum chewing and phone conversation skillz represent formidable danger for any innocents who happen to be on the road when she's talking to her boyfriend.

Be Unto You

We have always been entertained by modern hippies. In some ways their ideals have become somewhat ingrained into our culture and, in other ways, everyday is Halloween and the Vietnam War is never over for them. 

You have to imagine that legalizing medical marijuana and the general political climate on the West Coast of the US has to really harsh their collective mellow. After all, what more do they have to protest? Low-brow cocktails?

Peace is hardly a news flash anymore. Further, shalom and salaam are not terribly politically correct. Why is this driver trying to inflict their religion on us?

Skywalker Ranch

By now our affinity for most things George Lucas is known; we've covered it on a couple occasions. We marvel at Disney's desire to make the sequels to the legendary trilogy. Then again, perhaps it is fitting: movies don't have to be at all entertaining, they simply need to gross big money and offer incessant merchandising.

What do the parental figures say about this couple? Leia barely ever packed a blaster but it was hot when she did. If you are Vader, does that mean you are tyrannical or just overly violent?

While their nonsensical arguing may liken them to the two droids, would you really represent your kids as R2D2 and C3PO out of the entire universe of Star Wars characters? To be honest, we know a few children who are way more like Senator Palpatine, Chewbacca, Wicket and Jar Jar Binks than anyone else. 

Must be a Pointer

We question the wisdom of this sticker. After all, when your Irish Setter is riding shotgun, you'll still need a navigation system, especially if you're lost. Even the best bird dog is only going to drool out the window and occasionally snort because too much air has gone up its nose.

Dogs may exhibit many admirable traits but they are not capable of spatial memory or forming cognitive solutions to being lost in an unfamiliar environment. Plus, they like to eat the most revolting portions of your garbage.

Seems like this commuter's choice was based less on logic and more on emotion: who wouldn't prefer to have a co-pilot who is both the beginning and the end over a canine who, though loving and unquestionably loyal, likely won't bark out the correct turns?

Prickly

Forget occupying New York or Los Angeles, this commuter wants to know if anyone needs a ride. Like Michael Bluth properly worrying about hop-ons, this guy would be downright perplexed by a hop-in. Can we get a volunteer from the 99 percent?

Is Obama's fable about the richest people in the US really true? Are these evil penny-pinchers fleecing the lower classes? We didn't think so. After seeing this, we've "made a HUGE mistake." 

Is it enough to be a wealthy white man in 'Merica (yes, we edited his face out so you'll just have to trust us)? Is it enough to be driving a convertible Rolls? Wouldn't you be concerned about "the people" rising up, like in Les Miserables? This driver emphatically says no.

Shout out to GC of NJ. Thanks for the pic!

Just Eat It

We are always a bit flummoxed by the diet crazes that come and go. We like many varieties of food just fine. In truth, while it has never occurred to us to consume with a vengeance, we also don't pretend to have the will power to starve ourselves. We simply aren't complicated enough.

So when did carbs stop receiving our support? This one feels a little obsessive. So we are putting this driver on notice: stop messing around and staple your stomach already. 

In an ode not to Michael Jackson but more to his wacky cannibalizer, Al Yancovic, we say eat or don't eat it; "my foot, I care not."

Gamer

As previously chronicled, tailgate remembrances have only furthered the spectrum of graffiti, ornamenting cars with (in most cases) little thought given. Breezy notions of what passes for identities and ideals litter the road just like in the social media. If only commuters had to keep remarks to 140 characters!

We haven't given great thought to what will be on our gravestone. You can bet there won't be any images; unless the headstone shop takes a lot of orders for a donkey!

Unlike this dearly departed, we would not want to be described by athletics. Is that all there is to say? We picture two dinosaurs at dingy diner working over such a passing:

Tony: You hear that guy died?

Bob: Now that's a real shame!

Tony (adding non-dairy creamer to his Sanka): Yeah, left behind a barrel of balls, some pads, a few jerseys and a helmet.

Bob (lighting his third cigarette): Sure - he was a giant in the field. 

Tony: You know it. He could put one heck of a stank on those guys!

Gently Down the Stream

We are entertained by those things to which people retreat in order to demonstrate how hugely different they are. Humans long to be appreciated and understood, yet there is a matter of pride in shouting "You don't know me!"

Even though we are the most diverse country as 'Mericans, how different are we? Really? Whether it's hunting, swimming, fishing, running, dating or divorcing, some people really are trying to be different. We ask why not reading or sleeping?

Is rowing what defines who you are? If so, are you an Olympian class kayaker? You'd better be if you are driving around with this on the back. 

Hygiene

Streets lined with palmettos and drinks topped with sea salt make for pleasant vacationing. 'Mericans from all walks of life are planning getaways during summer in the US, at least for those who want to surrender work and simply unplug.

But you can't take to the roads without seeing fine examples of bumper braggery. Why have a vehicle if it doesn't say something? As always, we don't subscribe to that practice but it shouldn't preclude us from having a bit of fun at their expense.

You know how it is. There were always some kids in gym class that were more odoriferous than others and then there were those who just stank: maybe like burning cow patties or perhaps rancid bacon. Either way, they were simply unsanitary. Thus, we support this commuter's call for improved self-cleansing.

Unlikely Proposal

This one underscores that some drivers are just exhibitionists in constant search of any attention they may receive. Like George Oscar Bluth incessantly seeking his father's approval, this commuter is just begging for some negative reinforcement.

And while a wooden spoon, sapling or belt flogging may be in order, we are disgusted with people who search endlessly for special treatment: this suggestion completely ignores the fact that some well-behaved people deserve to feel the stinging hand of correction. It is unnerving, really.

We won't stand for it and thus put this commuter on notice: while we would prefer not to know how your discipline should be served, you have no right to pass judgment on those who follow the rules.

Tracked

Question: What bumper decor do you apply to your ride if you don't have a family?

Answer: Animal tracks accompanied by random acts of branding.

You may ask, "Why?" but we can only answer, "Why not?" If you are waiting for your stick family to develop (and perhaps even an interested member of the opposite sex to materialize), you might as well celebrate the beauty of the animal kingdom right? Some people can't accept that vehicles were meant to be without graffiti.

Or is this merely an example of a saucy deer whistling a Twisted Sister tune and getting a sweet taste of revenge? We picture Bambi tracking this hunter and choosing to trash his pick-up since he is inebriated and fast asleep in a blind.

Baited Breath

We are occasionally entertained by fisherman antics. The fraternity built by heat stroke and countless hours on a given body of water breeds untold stories of hysterics and heroism. Then again, how hilarious is it that hooking a fish is considered professional sport?

We seem to have crossed paths with a cheeky angler. Like dues-paying members of other cottage industries such as swimming and running, their humor reeks of self-absorption. Reeks like fish innards baking in the sun? Or reeks like a gangrenous hook wound? We're not sure but, it stinks.

So you have a rod and a reel? Keep them in the water and not on the back of your ride.

Done Been There

While we are certain that we have been to more than six places in our life, whether vacationing or on business, we want to leave room for such travelers as this person. Not everyone prefers to travel: no, for some 'Mericans, the right, cheap beer and a trusty recliner in front of their glowing box is journey enough.

To these armchair heroes, we salute you: please, do stay right where you are. There are wrenchingly beautiful places and catalytically revitalizing people outside of our borders. We'll take them in and we prefer no lines. 

We like to wonder whether this driver has been to Long Beach Island twice or simply bought two stickers. We prefer certain stretches of sand along that New Jersey coast as well. That said, we have failed to be complicit such rear window braggery.

Reminder

We've covered a number of mobile tombstones, and our distaste for the same. It isn't a function of not being able consider our own Final Countdown (a shout out to Arrested Development fanatics everywhere) so much as the belief that utter strangers gather no meaning from such bumper expression.

To this commuter we simply ask: what thoughts or feelings is such a display intended to evoke? Might this sticker be dangerous? Are you at all concerned about your loved one's identity being stolen?

In the end, we couldn't in good conscience even display the deceased's name here. Such is our modicum of discretion; or is it modesty?

Greedy

At first pass, this bumper jackassery evokes lurid acts of unwelcome flavors; sort of like Marv Albert but playing as cheeky rather than scandalous. If that is indeed the case, we put this driver on notice: keep it between you and whomever it is that you intend to assault and you may want to avoid Texas. 

Sporting an unusual amount of better judgment, we rather believe that this commuter is simply a scallywag sailor offering a warning shot o'r the bow before pillaging the treasure trove. And how can we blame them? Isn't that all poor Long John Silver ever wanted?

Either way, we cite this car owner for greed and premeditated violence of one kind or quite another.

Shout out to DP of PA. Thanks for the pic!

Bovinity

We harbor little doubt that this commuter is merely an Indian paying homage to Kamadhenu, the goddess of all cows (yes, many have vied for that title). Or maybe they're a rancher taking a drive rather than another day riding the range. We admit, however, that it is conceivable that this driver has a constant hankering for a juicy steak. 

It gives off a slight yin and yang vibe right? We are comfortable with good and evil bulls, though we don't anticipate that forcing bulls to coexist is a good move. But how else would you get Holstein cattle without such coexistence?

Perhaps we are wrong and this is actually a stick family? If so, which parent is the white charger and which is the dark horse?