Outdoorsy

We have all crossed paths with those people who, though they reside exclusively in major metropolitan areas, endlessly strive to be at one with nature. Inevitably they drive all-terrain vehicles, which allow for higher emissions, and wax poetic about their most recent tree-hugging (or is it "tree-mugging"?) journey.

And so we put people like this commuter on notice: your carbon footprint (as calculated by Al Gore and his Al Jezeera compatriots) and granola eating skillz are no better than ours. If you want open trails for your bike, move to the interior of the country.

After all, the grass will always be greener. So put your cargo pants to proper use and fill your hydration pack: it's embarrassing when you use it at the metro gym.